Karaoke

On Easter Sunday, I observed the religious holiday by having a feast with wonderful friends and going out on the pull. Naturally. Reverently.

I realised some things about myself that night:  A) When they say lapsed Catholic, oh Lord, I have lapsed; and B) While most women are drawn back to a man’s flat with promises of champagne, or drugs, or sex, the sure-fire way to get me over the threshold is karaoke.

Yeah, I said it – and I’m not proud. Do men like karaoke? I very much doubt it.

How could they?  Let’s suspend the bit about being too drunk, too shouty, too pitchy (who am I? An X Factor judge?) and downright foolish and for now, just focus on song choice.

In this modern age, potential suitors look to playlists the way we used to use bookcases. A quick scan of titles tells you a lot about your new friend.  Is he progressive? Adventurous? Is he stuck in a bygone decade? Is he broad-minded, with a collection spanning genres or is he narrow in his tastes (and if so, do you like those tastes?)? If you’re me, you even try to deduce political leanings (danger, reader: don’t be like me. This one can go horribly wrong, especially when you insist on pressing the issue). For example:

Easter suitor: Do you like country?

Me: Meh. Do you have Dixie Chicks?

Easter suitor (Reverently): Fuck no.

Me: Are you a Republican?

Easter suitor: Yes.

Me: Silent for a minute (note: room is grateful for a minute). Well, that’s ridiculous.

Easter suitor: Maybe, but I just got Apple TV to work.

Me: Let’s play Devil Went Down to Georgia then and call it even.

You see?  These types of conversations will get you nowhere, unless you count somewhere as showing people just how a doe-si-doe should be done. (Why do they make American children learn square dancing in grade school anyway?)

The thing about karaoke is that it highlights the worst of your playlist – your most populist leanings, your guilty pleasures, your self belief in your own vocal range (Reference Jolene or What’s Up? by those notorious 4 Non Blondes.) Is this an important side of you to be seen? Eventually. On the first night of a potentially blossoming relationship? Hmmm…

And worse than NOT liking the playlist is the potential for liking it too much.  Ah, limerence, that deceiving stage in a relationship where every little sign says ‘this is the one.’ ‘He likes a mean Old Fashioned, too!’ ‘He takes his coffee black!’ ‘He likes film.’ ‘Finally, I met someone who knows I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys is a decent and romantic jam!’ (Though really, does anyone know what ‘That Way’ is?! Why doesn’t he want to hear her say it?!)

No matter – I think I’ve made myself clear. Karaoke cannot possibly attract men.

Or can it?

Because what men do like, or what I pray (reverently) that they like, is a woman who can have fun, not take herself too seriously, shake her ass and showcase a bit of a scream. Especially when she’s cold kicking it to Welcome to the Jungle.  For example.

And for the record, Easter suitor asked for my number, though I will consider carefully before accepting a date with a Republican, even when he describes himself as ‘fiscal.’

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  1. #1 by Tinni Guha Roy on April 11, 2012 - 8:07 pm

    Who is the guy that likes the Backstreet Boys? If he likes films too, “he’s the one”.

  2. #2 by A.M. on April 11, 2012 - 8:21 pm

    Fiscal Republicans are said to have enormous johnsons. Social ones not so much.

    PS – Welcome to the jungle, baby. YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!!!

    • #3 by sohospeaks on April 11, 2012 - 8:27 pm

      How can that be? Fiscal Repubs are far too obsessed with incremental growth. Boom! You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby!

  3. #4 by A.M. on April 11, 2012 - 8:42 pm

    Boom! So Soho, any specific karaoke songs to choose to attract a certain type of guy in the crowd? Thinking my usual choice, Material Girl, may not have reeled in the right fish. Or maybe it did… fiscal Republican anyone??

    • #5 by sohospeaks on April 11, 2012 - 8:47 pm

      You’re on fire today A.M. Not sure I can teach you anything you don’t already know! Stick with Madge.

  4. #6 by Misterchappers on April 11, 2012 - 10:27 pm

    Yes. Stick with Madge, I agree.
    A little MDNA on the mic, and a little MDNA in his drink. And a fab weekend was had by all!

  5. #7 by Lucy on April 12, 2012 - 7:58 am

    My lapsed Catholicism was confirmed on Friday when I found myself stuffing my face with roast beef. How many Hail Marys…..?

  6. #8 by Baberaham Lincoln on April 12, 2012 - 11:11 am

    The thing about fiscal republicans is not so much that they don’t want to put their hands in their pockets, but that they’ll jump into bed with some pretty repugnant people to avoid doing so. Neither of which are great traits in a suitor, IM(H)O.

    • #9 by sohospeaks on April 13, 2012 - 7:27 am

      I couldn’t have said it better myself…

  7. #10 by jennamilly on April 12, 2012 - 12:58 pm

    And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold…
    But if you lose, the devil gets your sooooooooooooul!!!

    • #11 by A.M. on April 12, 2012 - 3:12 pm

      DWDTGA is Scarlett O’Scara’s theme song! YEEHAW!

  8. #12 by Pam Easton on April 27, 2012 - 8:08 pm

    Easter Suitor, haha. Great post

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