If you don’t know the Eurovision Song Contest, get acquainted with it — not only because it will change your life immeasurably, but because then when I tell you I went to a Eurovision party as any given Eastern European contestant, you’ll be able to envisage my costume (the party was fancy dress). I knew I nailed the brief when a ponytailed party guest called Dmitri was able to place me immediately. But what really struck me, was that bodacious, besequined and wearing enough slap to double as a Kardashian (oooh – maybe I was singing for Armenia?!), I was getting more male attention than most other nights this calendar year.
Hear me now: if men tell you they favour a natural look, they don’t even know what that means. They are programmed to like a tramp.
The thing about fancy dress is that you may know you’re in it, but if it doesn’t involve a mask, others may not. So when you leave your house looking like a $2 whore, you take a taxi. What I didn’t account for was having to wander the streets of a fairly upscale neighbourhood in search of a liquor store and gift for the host. I present to you a conversation with an upright-looking proprietor:
Him: You look very nice tonight.
Me: (Rapid fire) I-don’t-normally-go-out-like-this-it’s-fancy-dress. Eurovision.
Him: I meant it as a compliment.
Me: (Even more rapidly) It’s-just-that-I-don’t-normally-wear-this-much-make-up.
Him: I gave you a discount on your champagne.
Me: (Imagine a Ron Burgundy-like reading of the question mark.) Thank you?
Let me give you another anecdote.
In my day job, I recently worked on set for a campaign that involved a voluptuous starlet displaying the wonders of PVC. (Women, you may not have considered it in the past, but let me tell you, it sucks in any problem areas and appears to render men speechless.)
Am I saying this celebrity is a tramp? Not at all. She is positively lovely. But given the latex, abundant wavy hair, her God-given hourglass figure and cleavage that could serve as a runway — for an Airbus 380 — she played one on TV.
Why was she cast in this role? Because the sponsors know what appeals to men — and what makes them part with their cash. To put it kindly, despite what men say on the streets, casting didn’t call for a ‘natural’ woman.
Let me be clear. Under all that make-up and synthetic material, this spokesperson IS a natural beauty, with a ‘real’ woman’s body that happens to be the stuff of male fantasy. And key to her pulling any of this off with a sniff of decency is her control over her own image.
The woman knows what she has and she knows how to work it. She knows how to make her body beautiful and the crucial balance of sexy and coy. Most of all, she knows to surround herself with good people who ensure her approval over every image.
I can hear you now — you are about to hit me with that ‘not the marrying type’ thing. Hey, I don’t disagree with you. I am not suggesting that we head out in PVC and platform heels in search of a soul mate. That will only end badly.
All I’m saying is that men are simple, visual and base. They respond to a tramp.
So IF this card suits you, play it as you like. Just heed the lessons here: stay in control, have fun — and if men go stupid in your presence, graciously accept the discount.